Fuck What the Vet Says: Your Cat is a Dickhead!


After my mom’s passing, I somewhat inherited two male cats.  Both are unneutered. By now, cat lovers may already know the troubles I am experiencing; fights and spaying every damned where.

Yet, here’s the thing. One of the cats I get along with. He’s a cross-eyed feline who seems to have more intelligence than the other cat. Cross-eyed knows when to keep his distance. When he tries sleeping on my bed, he doesn’t cuddle up to me like the other cat.  He just sleeps a few inches away from me.

The dickhead cat doesn’t think twice about being annoying. He tries stealing food from my plate. He hogs up all the attention.  Also, Dickhead picks fights with Cross-eyed. Then, a laid-back Cross-eyed kicks his ass.

Recently, Dickhead found himself locked outside on the screened back porch. It was an accident. I had no idea he was outside with me.

Next thing I knew, I was eating dinner and heard some activity outside.  I peeked out the glass backdoor and saw Dickhead looking right at me.

After letting him in, Dickhead decided to take his anger out on Cross-eyed. Both emitted creepy sounds I never heard before. These weren’t meow sounds. These were howling sounds that almost resembled an infant crying.  Then, before you could say “Bad putty tats,” these two fuckers started swinging claws.

“Hey,” I yelled. “Just shake each other’s paw and let it go.”

They continued fighting. I grabbed Dickhead and locked him up in a room.

The next day, I decided to be nice and let him out. He started fucking with Cross-eyed again. So, I locked him up again.

All during this time, I’ve been reading online material about cats fighting. I read stuff about neutering creating less fights. Also, I read about a possible illness and cat depression.

The next day, I let Dickhead out. Yet, Cross-eyed kept following him. Then, Dickhead started howling about it. So, Cross-eyed received lock-up.

I was feeling sorry for Dickhead. I thought my mom’s passing may have him depressed.

The next day, I let Cross-eyed out. Then, Dickhead continued howling. I think I figured it out. Cross-eyed is just trying to be friendly. Yet, Dickhead wants the whole house to himself. I even saw him stealing food from Cross-eyed.

I don’t think neutering is going to help this. Despite what animal lovers may say, I think Dickhead is just an outright dickhead. You always read and see stuff about your pets having feelings like humans.  If pets have feelings like humans, why can’t they be dickheads like humans too? They come up with all this gobble gook about what could be wrong with your dickhead pet. You even hear about pets having different personalities. How come they can’t outright say some pets are just dickheads? I have no desire on paying a veterinarian forty to seventy-five bucks just to find out my cat is a dickhead.

I don’t want to kick Dickhead out…yet. Plus if I take him to a shelter, he may be put to sleep. I’ll eventually schedule neutering. Still, I wish animal lovers would just come out and admit it. Some pets are just dickheads.

photo credit: Sauron via photopin (license)

About Patrick Scott Barnes

Most of Central Florida knows Stone Crazy (Patrick Scott Barnes) as a poet. Yet, he also photographs, DJ and blogs. The rest of the time, the now sober blogger guzzles Diet Coke in Central Florida nightspots.
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5 Responses to Fuck What the Vet Says: Your Cat is a Dickhead!

  1. Jinzo_2400 says:

    Stone…..cats are not dickheads……we humans,major dickheads. Go get your cats neutered as soon as possible and they will settle down into a peaceful life.
    And letting them go outside? Total dickhead move…..getting them neutered will curb the urge to go outside.
    Oh….and the names? Dickhead and cross-eyed? only a dick would saddle two wonderful cats with weak names. Why not call them Shaq and Kobe? Or Larry and Magic? Something cool like that……anything but Derek Jeter and Paladin. Those are mine….using them would be a dickhead move…..

    Send me a PM on FB if you have cat questions….

    Liked by 1 person

  2. sophea sheader says:

    Mine has been neuterd and is well looked after and yet he is still a dickhead lol he just porposky dose things to get my attention ie .. chewing the phone wire while staring at me right in the eyes aswell and wen i tell him of he runs of all playful then waits till iv sat down to come back and do it again .. he dose this with everything .. he is a straight up dickhead of a cat lol


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